Understanding Facebook, was akin to rocket science for me. I was flabbergasted at the skills of my friends, who were using Facebook so effectively. But I did not give up hope. I started doing hard work. I went and researched on Facebook, signed up for tutorials. Around this juncture I came to know that Facebook tution classes were being held in my neighbourhood. It was being conducted by Mr. Ramesh Jindal, who has the distinction of being the youngest enterpreneur in our locality - he is 5 years old, and still attends kindergarten. So, I dutifully paid the tution fees, and attended the 3 weeks Facebook course. Mr Jindal was truly a master of Facebook. He had around 12,000 online girlfriends. At least 10 of these, had flown down to India to marry him! It was only when they arrived here, did they find out that Mr. Jindal actually uses his own portrait as his DP, and not one of those many child photographs available on the internet. Anyways, Mr. Jindal was a thorough professional, and always talked business. The classes would sometimes be briefly interrupted when Mrs. Jindal (don't misunderstand, I am talking about his mother) would spank him on his bare buttocks for not drinking milk. The course went wonderfully, and when I completed it, I was already feeling like a master.
Armed with this new degree, Facebook became a cake walk. And now I started using Facebook to paani mein aag lagaa. There was a method to the whole madness. The first step, according to Mr. Jindal, was to create a desirable profile. So, I hired Arundhati Roy to write the wordings. Being a bitch, she declined, so I had to run to Chetan Bhagat. I also hired Shekhar Suman to add a dash of humour. That was a mistake. Anyways, I covered it, by asking Siddhu paaji to provide the finishing (which when done, even he could not understand). The next step, was to add decent photographs. Unlike Mr. Jindal, I did not have chubby cheeks. In fact, on the contrary, my photographs can be used as stills for horror movies. So, the first step was to get a decent DP. I hired Raju, who is a professional model (actually he is an extra in movies, but likes to call himself model. to be fair to him, he does not look ugly at all), to get a few photographs clicked. These photos, I used as my DP. :D Next step was to post some khoon jalau photos. You see, my friends keep posting photos that keep sending me into fits of jealousy. So, I downloaded some scenic locales - Mauritius, Bali, Afghanistan(to show my bravery), Niagara Falls, Moon(to show off, and besides its been a dream to be an astronauts). Now I simply superimposed Raju's profile onto these photographs, thereby proving to the whole world that I have roamed around on this whole planet, and beyond! Once done, I provided the icing on the cake, by also adding some bikini clad sex sirens onto these pics. In order to make the whole set-up look realistic, I also morphed one of these babes, into Anjelina Jolie. This was enough to make all the girls jealous, thereby making me more desirable.
Despite all this, success eluded me! Not a single girl showed interest. Even guys avoided me! Again, I did not lose hope. I hired a team of 10 people, whose jobs was to create anonymous accounts of supposedly hot babes, who will actually follow my profile. I also told them to use these fictional babes to write comments like "Oh, you are so hot", "Baby, you are a sooo handsome. Will you be my husband", "Hi, I love you", "I can't sleep nowadays thinking about you", "Thief, you stole my heart" on my wall. Even this did not help!
At such times of distress, the human spirit rises above, and shows its character. I too, did not lose hope, but sought to tackle this issue with a different approach. I took the matter into my own hands. I started visiting girls' profiles, and dropping comments like "Hi, remember me? :) Howz life?", "Hi, can we be friends", "You are looking very beautiful in this profile", "I love you", "You turn me on", "You are a sex machine", "Ba...." wherever I went. When my brother would log into his Facebook account, and then went for a pee, I would quietly slip onto the PC, and start browsing through all the girls added as his friends. To be honest, once he caught me red-handed and gave me a nice mom-styled lecture. But I did not give up. I kept the tempo on. At least twenty guys emailed me to stop bothering their girlfriends or they will kill me. But I am a brave man. I was not scared when one of these guys actually got hold of me once. Its a different thing that I ran away for my life, but I was not scared. No, never. I am a brave man.
Love stories always have good endings. Finally my hard work has borne fruit. Sweet Tanisha, whom I had met on Facebook, has asked me out. We are going for dinner. At a hotel in Lonavala. ;) ;) I am so excited right now, my hands are shaking as I type this. After a few moments the whole body will be shaking. With excitement, you naughty boy, not what you think. I will update this blog with the details (that can be shared) of our beautiful meeting.
Update1: Shit, Sweet Tanisha is actually Jabbar Patel. She is actually a he!
Update2: Fuck. I am screwed. Literally. :'(
